Arches National Park — by the guy who sees stuff that definitely isn’t real
A few posts ago, I proudly announced my hidden superpower:
I can see faces and creatures in Old Faithful’s steam.
Some people saw vapor, thermodynamics, and hot water escaping the Earth’s crust.
I saw something far more profound:
- An Inuit woman, wrapped in a flowing parka, emerging like a spirit guide from the primordial geyser
- The actual Grinch, mid-grumble, plotting to steal Christmas—from Yellowstone
I posted this revelation with confidence and sincerity, assuming the world would applaud my perceptive brilliance.
Instead, most people responded with something between:
“Wow, that’s imaginative!”
and
“Have you talked to anyone about this professionally?”
So now I must clarify:
My halluc—uh… talent does not stop at steam.
Oh no.
I see imaginary things in solid rock too. Solid. Immovable. Geological.
The kind park rangers insist “aren’t shaped like mythical characters.”
Oh ye of little imagination.
Exhibit A: The Egyptian Pharaoh Rock
There it stood, a column of stone flanked by two larger walls, staring down as if surveying its underlings. The silhouette had the unmistakable profile of an ancient Pharaoh—complete with ceremonial headdress and an attitude that said, “Bow, peasants.”
Or…
Maybe it was just a giant chess piece abandoned by aliens who got bored mid-game.
I can’t say for sure.
You decide. I’ll be over here adjusting my tinfoil crown.
Exhibit B: The Two Fishermen
On the next formation, two guys sat with their backs to us, lines cast into a sandstone sea. The one on the right sat upright in a hoodie, head turned toward the friend on his left—lounging like he’d borrowed his chair from a tailgate party.
I can’t hear them, but I’m pretty sure the conversation went something like:
“Dude, these rocks aren’t biting.”
And the other guy:
“Try a different bait.”
Exhibit C: Breaching Whales in the Desert
A few steps later?
Humpbacks.
Yes. Whales. In the desert.
The one on the left is breaching toward us, flipper raised like he’s waving hello.
The other? Mid-air pirouette into a sandstone sea.
Marine biologists may disagree, but that’s only because they weren’t standing where I was.
Exhibit D: Balanced Rock’s Guardian Hand
Ah, Balanced Rock—majestic, iconic, defying gravity and common sense.
But look closely at the formation beside it.
Is that not a giant stone hand… rising from the depths… poised to catch the rock when it eventually falls?
Don’t tell me you don’t see it.
If you don’t, go back and stand in the exact spot I was. Also squint.
Final Thoughts (Before You Call Someone To Evaluate Me)
I cannot explain this extraordinary ability to detect things that do not exist. Some might call it “imagination.” Others might call it “concerningly vivid pareidolia.”
Personally, I think its sole purpose is this:
To make you smile… right before gently suggesting professional help.
And honestly?
I’ll take that as a compliment.
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