A Judge’s Completely Unbiased Review of a Herring Gull’s Gold Medal Performance
“Ladies and gentlemen… welcome to the inaugural Narrow River Gull Olympics, proudly sponsored by Crabs Who Thought They Were Safe.”
This morning’s featured event?
The Self-Propelled Vertical Crab Acquisition Dive.
Not recognized by the International Olympic Committee.
Yet.
As Head Judge, I can assure you they’re missing out.
The competitor floated quietly on the river.
No fanfare.
No stretching.
No coach whispering, “You’ve got this.”
No tiny towel wrapped around its shoulders.
Just a Herring Gull pretending to be completely uninterested in life.
Classic sandbagging.
Then…
Without warning…
BOING!
The gull launched straight out of the water like somebody had installed an industrial-grade spring underneath him.
Not six inches.
Not a polite little hop.
I’m talking a full-on feathered jack-in-the-box.
At this point I reached for my official Olympic judging paddle because clearly things had just become serious.
Score: Starting Position
Excellent.
Calm.
Balanced.
Relaxed.
Completely convincing performance that absolutely nothing exciting was about to happen.
9.9
One-tenth deducted because he never acknowledged the judges.
Very rude.
Takeoff
Olympic divers have springboards.
Platform divers have towers.
This gull?
Had…
Water.
That’s it.
He literally manufactured his own diving platform.
He jumped two to six feet into the air using nothing but explosive wingbeats and an unreasonable amount of confidence.
Physics looked on in mild disbelief.
10.0
The Hover
Now comes my favorite part.
He paused.
Just…
Hovered.
Like someone had hit the Pause button.
I imagine the conversation went something like this:
“Hmmm…
Little left…
Little right…
Nope…
There’s breakfast.”
Professional.
Methodical.
Absolutely no panic.
If lasers came out of his eyes at this point, I wouldn’t have questioned it.
10.0
The Dive
Then…
WHOOSH!
Wings folded.
Head tucked.
Straight down.
No spinning.
No twisting.
No unnecessary theatrics.
This wasn’t showing off.
This was business.
Olympic judges love efficiency.
So do hungry gulls.
Entry
Human divers strive for the perfect “rip entry.”
Tiny splash.
Elegant.
Graceful.
This gull?
Apparently interpreted that as:
“EXPLODE THE ENTIRE RIVER.”
Water erupted.
Spray flew everywhere.
Nearby fish immediately updated their résumés.
Some shrimp probably filed workers’ compensation claims.
Technically…
Not a perfect Olympic entry.
On the other hand…
He wasn’t trying to impress judges.
He was trying to mug a crab.
Context matters.
9.8
Recovery
Olympic divers surface…
Smile…
Wave politely.
This gull surfaced looking like he’d just won the lottery.
Because…
He had.
Dangling triumphantly from his bill…
One extremely confused crab.
I swear the crab’s expression said,
“This wasn’t in my life plan.”
Degree of Difficulty
Olympic diving has complicated formulas involving rotations, twists, and body positions.
Allow me to introduce a new category.
The Self-Launching Pop-Up Precision Crab Snatch™
Requirements:
✔ Float patiently.
✔ Detect prey beneath rippled water.
✔ Launch vertically without a springboard.
✔ Hover long enough to refine your aim.
✔ Dive accurately.
✔ Catch something actively trying not to be caught.
✔ Avoid swallowing a mouthful of river.
✔ Fly away before another gull steals your lunch.
Current Degree of Difficulty:
7.8
Translated into plain English:
“Good luck.”
Artistic Impression
The wings…
The reflections…
The spray…
The morning light…
If Michelangelo had painted seabirds instead of ceilings…
He might have asked this gull to hold the pose.
Briefly.
Very briefly.
Then came the only controversial moment of the competition.
The gull immediately flew away with its prize.
Excuse me?
I’m still photographing here.
There are contractual obligations between wildlife and photographers.
Rule Number One clearly states:
Remain in perfect light until I am completely satisfied.
The gull had obviously never read the rule book.
Amateur.
Final Scores
Starting Position: 9.9
Takeoff: 10.0
Hover: 10.0
Dive: 10.0
Entry: 9.8
Recovery with Crab: 10.0
Entertainment Value: 27.4 (new Olympic record)
Photographer Cooperation: 4.1
Needs improvement.
Official Result
🥇 Gold Medal: Herring Gull
🥈 Silver Medal: Very surprised crab
🥉 Bronze Medal: Me, for having my camera pointed in exactly the right direction when Mother Nature decided to put on a show.
The remarkable part is that this wasn’t a classic aerial dive at all. Herring Gulls often use this efficient “pop-up dive” when they detect prey just below the surface. Rather than wasting energy flying overhead searching for food, they use the river itself as a floating observation deck. Once they spot movement—a crab, fish, or other prey—they launch themselves a few feet into the air, hover just long enough to refine their aim, then plunge almost vertically back into the water. The entire performance lasts only a couple of seconds, which is why most people never notice it.
Fortunately for me…
I was already watching.
And unlike the crab…
I knew something interesting was about to happen.
Naturally.
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